Episode 119: Essential Negotiation Points For Relationship

4 essential areas that keep a relationship on track

Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple.

In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identifies four key areas that are essential for couples to negotiate to keep the relationship on track.

Those areas are Time, Space, Money and Play. In this episode I will look at little deeper into these areas and why it is important to set time aside to work through these points of focus.

Anything that helps keep our relationship growing is well worth the effort and allocation of time to explore.

Episode 113: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part II

Understanding emotional drivers & finding solutions together

There are key areas in which couples can find themselves in a struggle for control. Areas such as who gets to decide, leader/ follower dynamics in the relationship and what we do with our money.

Even the healthiest couples can get into power struggles in these areas and have to work through challenging conversations to work out what will work best for them going forward.  What can make these discussions even harder is being too emotionally overloaded.

Before having these discussions do I need to be clear on what is driving me here. Are my reactions and anger only driven by the present, or am I bringing in unresolved residue from past relationships?

How can I get clear on what my emotional drivers are so that we can have the best chance to reach a workable solution together. How can I help myself so as to help us?

Episode 112: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part I

How to work through power struggles

It is unavoidable that even in the healthiest of relationships there will be from time to time minor or significant power struggles. How we navigate these going forward can be the difference between staying together and breaking apart.

This episode looks at some of the key areas that couples tend to struggle for control over and what can be red flags that there are areas that may need updating. How do we navigate through our money, time and intimacy decisions as a couple, and how might we look to improve and/or safeguard these areas of relationships?

I hope this episode helps to provide some effective discussion points to engage in with your partner, so as to promote ongoing relationship vitality.

Episode 110: Covid and Relationship Strain

Promoting relational health in stressful circumstances

We are going through exceptional times! External pressures can help to bring a couple together or pull a couple apart. How in times of increased anxiety and strain to we build our connection, love and support for one another. Minor differences can be amplified in periods of extended stress. This episode looks at a few things to be mindful of, and also what to do to promote relational health.

All the best in this challenging time and beyond!

Episode 105: Red Flags Early in Dating

Early warnings signs for potentially abusive relationships

The early stages of dating can be an amazing time full of optimism and hope for the future! Finding a partner that enriches our life is the ideal!

However, for some, they can find that what began so amazingly has turned into a nightmare where they are left wondering how did we get here and when will the person I first fell in love with be returning?

Abusive dynamics tend not to show themselves early, in fact, on the surface, everything can look amazing.

However, there are certain red flags that might help you to see that this person may actually be toxic for you and therefore allowing you to avoid a really painful relationship. 

This episode looks at some of the warning signs that may suggest that you slow things down, dig deeper, seek advice or move on. 

Episode 103: Wedding Day and Married Life

How you can give your marriage every chance at success

A wedding is an amazing symbol of love, commitment and unity! It is an opportunity to share and celebrate our relationship with those we love. It is great that we really enjoy the day and invest time in making sure on the day it all goes smoothly. 

Given we put that much time and energy into a day in our relationship, how much time do we invest in the planning of our life together and our marriage?

Some planning and structure in our married life actually promotes romance, freedom and intimacy rather than takes away from it. There is so much to talk about such as how we prioritise our time as a couple, what are our joint dreams and desires, how will we spend our money and what constitutes fighting fair?

Even great relationships take renewed effort, focus and work! With so much demand on our time in modern life, how can we give ourselves every chance at success? This episode looks at some of the areas to address before it is absolutely necessary. This episode could be of value not only to those early in the marriage journey but also to help refresh for those of us further along the marriage road. 

Episode 102: Revisiting Arguments in Relationships

Using arguments for understanding rather than winning

As a couple, the health of our argument style can be far more important to the overall success of our relationship than what we fight about or how often.

In healthy relationships, there are certain rules, parameters and boundaries that are not crossed due to the mutual respect we carry for one another and the relationship overall. The argument backdrop isn't about winning at all costs, proving the rightness of my argument, maintaining the one-up position but rather about using this experience to know more about one another a willingness to listen, hear our partners side with openness and a mutual intention to find middle ground.

This episode continues to explore some of what works and what doesn't in relationships when it comes to disagreements. 

Episode 100: The Immature Romantic Partner

Understanding the behaviours & dynamics of partners with maturity issues

Even a healthy relationship takes work and compromise over time, not to mention the many challenges that life seems to throw at a couple! It can be challenging at the best of times. It can get even harder when we appear to have found ourselves in a relationship with someone who is reluctant to grow up and step up. 

This episode looks at some of the behaviours and dynamics that you may have to deal with on a continual basis if your partner seems to have some maturity issues. Such things as they refuse to consistently clean up after themselves, make impulsive choices that seem to blow up and set you both back. Show up for the fun and disappear for the hard stuff. Perhaps they consistently seem to put their friends and hobbies before you and the relationship. There are many other ways in which immaturity can put tremendous pressure on your relationship.

The more we are clear on what we are dealing with or up against the more effective the solutions we come up with will be. All the best in your relationship and I hope this episode helps!

Episode 90: Disagreements in Relationship Part II

Grow closer in times of conflict

Modern relationships are challenging and as we mentioned earlier a good relationship doesn't mean a conflict-free relationship. How we fight is more important over time than what we fight about.

In this episode we continue to look at the resources and focuses that can really help a couple to grow closer even in times of conflict.

There can be multiple areas of challenge and friction for a couple, not to mention differing priorities from time to time. How can we make the path forward as calm and as easy as possible? Avoiding conflict isn't the answer but getting proactive and jointly developing an approach to challenging times could really be advantageous to the relationship!

Episode 89: Disagreements In Relationship Part I

How can we meet in the middle for the long term success of our relationship?

Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free and require compromise from time to time. When we are choosing to make our romantic relationship a priority then working through differences in personality, preference and culture become necessary.

Differences can become so much more challenging depending on how we approach them. Research indicates that how we fight is far more impactful long term than what we fight about. Couples expert Esther Perel refers to this as fight form.

There are certain aspects of relationships that are solvable and in other areas perhaps it is best to consider how we most effectively work with significant differences over time with willing compromise.

Episode 84: Looking At Affairs Part III

What to do when faced with the reality of an affair

In this final episode of looking at affairs, we look at what to do if we are faced with the reality of unfaithfulness.

What are some of the better ways in which to support ourselves through such a challenging time?

Do you stay or do you go? Are there larger considerations?

How I respond now will either help my future moving forward or adversely affect my future relationship health. How can I best support myself? How specifically do I start to look for the support I need to heal, resolve and move forward?

This episode may also be of help to those looking to be of effective support to a loved one who is going through dealing with an affair.

Episode 83: Looking At Affairs Part II

Red flags to look out for & how to deal with an affair

Continuing on from part 1 with the idea that monogamy can no longer be safely assumed in the modern relationship arena, what can we do?

How can we continue to have honest and open discussions around the strong possibility that at some point temptation will present? Denial and refusal to have the challenging conversations can leave us very vulnerable indeed.

In this episode, we explore possible red flags that our partner could be engaging in an affair. What can we watch out for?

How do we then begin to approach the situation? Are we even ready to approach the situation and risk that the truth might be very confronting indeed? Sometimes if we confide in friends or family, their good intentions but their own baggage around infidelity can force us to take action before we are ready.

Episode 82: Looking At Affairs Part I

Challenging assumptions about why people are unfaithful

The way the modern relational landscape is moving it has never been more important than now to begin to examine some of our outdated assumptions about why people are unfaithful.

As long as there has been committed relationships there have been affairs. We need to be able to accept that they happen and begin to work out better ways to approach and deal with them when they do.

The idea that "It will never happen to me!" is a very high risk idea to hold. How can we have more open and honest conversations with our partner regarding the inevitable times that we may find ourselves attracted and fascinated by another? Refusing to look at the things that can threaten our idea of a stable relationship isn't a safe way to go.

If we understand that things can and do change despite our best intentions then we can better deal with and face reality.

Episode 79: Romantic Relationships and Boundaries

Strengthen your romantic relationship by discussing boundaries

Boundaries in romantic relationships are so important and add to connection or distance depending on how we respond to them. Boundaries are about what is and isn't ok in relationship for us, and it is very likely that our partner’s ideas, or at least some of them, will be different from ours.

Boundaries in relationships is a vast area and will vary from couple to couple. However, there are ways to approach the discussion of boundaries in a way that can maximise receptivity. If done well and from a place of calm non-reactivity it can greatly add to the strength of the relationship.

I hope this episode gives you some strategies for maximising success with healthy boundary setting!

Episode 76: Keeping Our Romantic Relationship Healthy

Keep the magic and desire alive

Modern relationships are changing and under pressure like never before thanks to all the external demands of our everyday lives, career and social pressures.

The thinking and expectations for people have changed around relationships and it has never been easier than now to leave if it isn't working out.

This episode looks at some key elements for helping us to create stability in our relationships whilst also keeping alive the magic and desire. 

Relationships no matter how suitable require continued work and investment. It can become so easy in the face of all our modern life demands to push our romantic relationship to the back. Do this continually and we really begin to put ourselves on unsteady ground!

I hope this episode provides some important touch points to help support successful relating!

Episode 63: Picking A Romantic Partner

Laying the foundation for healthy relationships

This episode is inspired by the number of people with whom I have worked who are tired of playing out the same painful dynamics in relationship, time and time again.

What can we do to ensure that we are giving ourselves the best opportunities to attract in people with whom we can work together to have healthy, stable yet passionate relationship dynamics?

Starting from a place where we feel equal to our partner not superior too or less than is a good commencing point and sets up good foundation.

Failed relationships can cost us so much emotionally, financially, spiritually and even physically. Hopefully this episode provides you with some navigation points to help maximise relationship success.

Episode 56: Two Key Pressures In Relationship

Reduce resentment, and build desire, passion and connection

Long-term stable relationships are wonderful but they can also trigger old relationship patterns from our Family of Origin in how to manage anxiety and intimacy. Depending on what type of Family system we grew up in we may not have the most workable skill sets on board to make it work effectively long term.

This episode is inspired by the book, Growing Yourself Up by Jenny Brown who is a family system specialist. 

Through exploring these two potential points of stress covered in this episode that can emerge in the relationship we can reduce resentment and build the desire, passion and connection.

I hope you find value and insight in this episode that helps to support you having amazing relationship going forward!

Episode 51: Emotional Fusing In Relationship

Is it Love or just Emotional Fusing that you are experiencing in your relationship?

When we grow up in family systems that didn't foster and support our right to individuality, we learn that love involves unhealthy fusing. (Eg: When mum was unhappy, everyone was unhappy!)

This episode draws from the wonderful work of Dr David Schnarch and in particular his book Passionate Marriage.

The episode goes through some elements of unhealthy emotional fusing dynamics and how it leads to couples feeling alienated from one another.

This episode is designed to point out some of the exchanges to avoid so that we are able to have a truly wonderful and meaningful connection in our relationships, taking our relational experience to a whole other level!

Episode 50: Fostering Intimacy

How intimacy transforms relationships

With so many relationships not going the distance and people in relationship wishing for a more intimate connection with their partner, what is missing?

Many people express a desire to be more intimate and then find that they are unable to sit in the vulnerability that arises as a result. Instead of challenging our partners to be closer, the paradox is we need to examine and understand what it takes for us to be closer.

This episode looks at some of the differences in Self Validated Intimacy vs Other Validated Intimacy and what are the consequences in relationship when we adopt either pathway to attempt to bridge the gap between self and another.

When we can really begin to know who we are, validate that and not be reliant on solely the positive reflection of our partner to feel good about self, relationships can transform!

Episode 42: Elements of Secure Relating

How do we know that we are in a relationship that is built on a foundation of secure relating?

What are some of the key aspects to help us navigate into the kind of healthy relationships we desire to have?

This episode explores some of the key elements that are consistent in relationships that have secure attachment at their core. Knowing this assists us in keeping relationships on track or side step finding ourselves stuck in avoidant/anxious relating with our partner for too long.

I hope you find this episode a helpful resource.