Episode 127: Low Conscience Individuals & Exploiting Vulnerability

How low conscious individuals use vulnerability to their advantage

A small aspect of the population who aren't bothered by guilt, shame and remorse in the ways that most of us are, seek relationships of self opportunity and exploitation.

Many of these individuals thrive just below the line of detection and have worked hard to get their exploitation game refined. There are many elements to these challenging individuals and the way they approach life.

This episode looks at how they seek vulnerability as a doorway to move into our lives and businesses for their own purposes. This may be through detecting or eliciting emotional vulnerability or through situational vulnerability where life circumstances have left us exposed in some way.

There are many amazing people working and studying in the area of Low Conscience Individuals but I wanted to acknowledge in particular Sandra Brown and Jennifier Young who have written the excellent book 'Women who love Psychopaths". I hope you find this episode informative.

Episode 124: Low Conscience Individuals & Social Hiding

Understanding the exploitation tactics of low conscience individuals

There is a small percentage of the population that are not influenced as much as the rest of us by guilt, shame, anxiety, behaviourally appropriate boundaries, remorse and excessive empathy. 

Whilst they are small in number if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself entangled with them in a business or personal dynamic of significance then the damage can be great. Unlike in the movies where, as an audience member, it is made clear or clarity develops as to motives of exploitation of certain individuals, real life isn't that way.

Those that are seeking relationships of exploitation rely on a number of strategies to keep that hidden.

This episode looks at some of the ways in which these individuals exploit, strategise, misdirect and charm their ways into our lives and businesses sometimes with devastating consequences.

Episode 120: Healing From A Toxic Childhood

Effectively addressing the effects of childhood trauma

If you grew up in an unhealthy family system of one form or another then you need to adapt and mould to try to survive your childhood. Some of those adaptations can end up being assets later however some get in the way of living a fulfilling and successful life as an adult.

This episode looks at some of the potential areas a person may need to focus on in order to heal and have peace of mind. We can face challenges in feeling safe in intimate relationships or even just with people in general. Trauma triggers to manage as we overreact to experiences that others take for granted. We can develop a painful relationship with pleasure and seek to avoid or sabotage experiences that could bring us joy. This amongst other elements needs to be understood so that they can be effectively addressed.

I hope you find this episode helpful!

Episode 109: Misconceptions Regarding Abuse Dynamics

Dispelling the myths around Abuse

Abuse dynamics are so painful and can fill us or those witnessing what is going on with fear, anger and confusion. This may be a challenging episode for some to hear and as always make sure you have adequate support for yourself if you feel you need it.

This is a complex area which I feel requires even more general public awareness and education.

The episode draws from a number of areas but I certainly wanted to mention Lundy Bancroft author of Why Does He Do That? and Should I Stay or Should I Go? in conjunction with Jac Patrissi, also Jess Hill author of See What You Made Me Do?

Through greater clarity and awareness the more we can generate effective solutions for couples and families going forward.

Episode 108: Recovery From Toxic Family Systems - Part II

How the inherited inner critic impacts recovery

Recovery from having grown up in a very challenging family system can mean that you need to take several avenues to healing. If we have wounding that affects our relationships as adults, our ability to feel safe and also the level of effectiveness in problem-solving, then there can appear to be a lot to do.

This episode looks again at dealing effectively with the inner critic and how it can impact recovery. The inner critic can affect our self-compassion, self-regard, and our ability to effectively self protect.

The more we are aware of how the inner critic continues the legacy of family disfunction and learn methods for challenging, quietening and integrating the more successful our recovery journey.

Episode 106: Sibling Rivalry and Abuse

How sibling dynamics can shape our present state

The relationship that you have with your sibling/siblings and cousins can be the longest relationships in your life. Depending on your experiences growing up these relationships can be of massive support, considerable pain or both.

This episode looks at how these relationships were shaped by our experience in our family system growing up and how they play out in our present adult relationships.

Were you forced to compete for attention? Did you feel that you were constantly compared?

How has the past shaped the present?

This episode looks at some of the dynamics that can shape sibling relationships. The more we can understand what happened in the broader sense of the family the more we can move towards having even more joyous and intimate relationships in the present.

Episode 105: Red Flags Early in Dating

Early warnings signs for potentially abusive relationships

The early stages of dating can be an amazing time full of optimism and hope for the future! Finding a partner that enriches our life is the ideal!

However, for some, they can find that what began so amazingly has turned into a nightmare where they are left wondering how did we get here and when will the person I first fell in love with be returning?

Abusive dynamics tend not to show themselves early, in fact, on the surface, everything can look amazing.

However, there are certain red flags that might help you to see that this person may actually be toxic for you and therefore allowing you to avoid a really painful relationship. 

This episode looks at some of the warning signs that may suggest that you slow things down, dig deeper, seek advice or move on. 

Episode 101: Recovery After a Toxic Relationship

Challenges that may come up during the recovery journey

It would appear to be logical that after we leave a toxic relationship it instantly gets better and only improves from there. Unfortunately, when it comes to the road of recovery it can actually be an extreme roller coaster with a lot of mixed emotions. It is sometimes harder to recover from a toxic breakup than it is from a reasonably healthy relationship breakup.

It is so important to have a good support group around yourself as you begin to rebuild. It is also important to move at your own rate and speed. Avoid comparing your recovery journey to another as you are your own unique person. Others that are with us on the recovery journey are there for inspiration and support, not comparison.

This episode looks at some of the potentially unexpected things that can present on the road back to having our own lives on our own terms. If you are on the recovery road or supporting someone who is, I hope this helps in some way. You have my absolute admiration and respect! 

Episode 98: Safeguarding Self in a Toxic Relationship

Advice for navigating unhealthy realtionships

Whilst there are some red flags that exist in the early stages of relationships, unfortunately it can take some time before we really become aware that the relationship we are in is really unhealthy.

Whilst this episode is by no means meant to be taken as specific advice as everyone's challenging situation will consist of elements of its own uniqueness, there are however some general points of consideration that may help make a difficult situation a bit easier to navigate. 

I hope this episode helps those in challenging situations and those who are supporting loved ones through challenging situations. It is also important to understand what protections under the law you have for your particular geographic region and what support groups are available to you.

Episode 97: Supporting People who are in Toxic Relationships

Effectively offering support to those in abusive relationships

Given that abusive dynamics are unfortunately so common, there is every possibility that someone we love could find themselves in an abusive romantic relationship where both their physical and mental wellbeing is being damaged.

Effective support through this period requires some understanding otherwise we can unintentionally be playing into the hands of the abuser. The person who is experiencing threat, coercive control, domination and denial of their basic human rights needs to be met with full support and compassion.

However, we can be swept away in our own anxiety about their situation and rush in with advice-giving that may actually leave them feeling worse. This episode looks at some of what we can do to be of effective support to those we love.

Episode 95: Abuser Mindset and Entitlement

Understanding the role of entitlement in the abuser’s mindset

Abusive behaviour and mindset in Intimate Relationships is highly complex and certainly not always well understood! The more insight and clarity we have the more effective our interventions can become.

When it comes to romantic relationships, abuse dynamics stem from beliefs, attitudes and thinking patterns that are often underpinned with a sense of justification and entitlement:

‘If you don't submit to my power and control then I am entitled to utilise whatever tactics I deem necessary to make that happen.’

‘No matter what is going on as an abuser, my needs getting met come first! You need to focus on me whenever I want you to focus on me. What you want and need are not as important as what I want and need!’

‘I am entitled to forgiveness, I am entitled to control how you think and behave!’

Of course, the list goes on!

There are a number of foundational elements that make up the abuser mindset and in this episode, we look at the element of entitlement. As I have mentioned before there are a number of exceptional resources in this area. I certainly recommend a look at the work of people like Lundy Bancroft, George Simon, Jerry Wise, Ann Jones and Susan Schechter and there are many more. All these experts bring elements and expertise to areas that help us all move into better relating.

Episode 94: Children Witnessing Toxic Relationships

How exposure to abusive relationships impacts children’s present & future wellbeing

It can unfortunately sometimes be easier to think that if something didn't happen, or isn't happening to my kids directly, they won't be that affected! Witnessing toxic, abusive exchanges between one's parents on a consistent basis can impact children not just at the felt level, but can influence attitudes and beliefs about what an intimate relationship consists of. I may come away thinking that because people love me they get to hurt me! 

When we see a romantic relationship that is heavily tipped in the favour of one person then it can be very confusing. Especially when this obvious one-sided dynamic is consistently denied!

When supporting children to grow into adults that are capable of having happy, healthy, mutually respectful and genuinely loving relationships, what can we do to help? 

Staying open to conversation with our children and noticing what beliefs are held, supportive or otherwise is vital!

Episode 93: The Seduction Of The Abuser

The ups & downs of the cycle of abuse

The abuse cycle can be confusing as it can consist of periods of relative peace between partners and in the household in general. The calm before the next storm can lull us into a false sense of hope that things may finally be getting better.

Part of skilled abusers keeping us plugged in is the fostering of false hope and keeping us believing if we just try harder, just love them more, just give in to more of their demands it will all change.

This episode looks at the ups and downs of the cycle. It can be very confusing to love someone and be genuinely afraid of them at the same time. A vast array of emotional responses regarding one's partner in these extreme situations can definitely be part of the relational landscape.

Hopefully, this episode helps to point out areas of focus and provide some clarity.

Episode 92: Narcissistic Abusers Vs Abusers

Understanding the abusive mindset in intimate relationships

Clarity and education are so important when dealing with challenging people! If we can't understand the behaviours we are looking at, we can make excuses and justifications for poor behaviour.

Does our intimate partner appear to only have entitlement and control issues with us or do the consequences of their belief in their own superiority create issues right across all areas of their life?

Does my partner only appear to lose control when dealing with me but doesn't appear to be overly combative when it comes to dealing with everyone else?

This episode explores some more of the abusive mindset in intimate relationships and seeks to help with a greater understanding of what might actually be going on.

Episode 91: Raising Children with a Narcissist

Navigating the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist

Growing strong healthy and well-esteemed children can be a journey at the best of times! But what happens when we end up having to do this with a partner or ex-partner whom we find tremendously challenging to get along with or who isn't even interested in getting along.

What can we do that would help ensure the best environment we can create within our control to support our kids.

Although each family situation is unique there are some common touchpoints of attention that may help in navigating the way ahead. Good self-support and self-care become vital if we are to be the best support we can to our children. There are a number of other areas too that we can think about going forward. I genuinely hope this episode helps!

Episode 73: Recognising Power Plays

What kind of power dynamic am I in right now? 

The ability to become aware of what type of power game others have got you in can be vital to avoid being exploited! 

Power With means that we are working to achieve our goals and desires but not at the expense of others. People playing Power Over however are doing things very differently and are counting on the fact that you won't recognise what they are doing.

Backhanded insults, withholding important information, consistent misunderstandings at your expense are all part of the game for those looking to only advance themselves. 

Learning not to buy into their clever justifications but rather look at the consistent trail of behaviour can really assist you in understanding exactly what you are up against and how to best respond.

Episode 72: Insights Into Gaslighting

Understanding the manipulative strategies of gaslighting

Gaslighting, deliberately influencing another's perception of reality for advantage takes many forms.

This is a vast topic with many ways to keep someone in the dark, misinformed, defensive and off balance. Episode 72 looks at some of the strategies that are employed to exploit people. Through understanding and greater recognition, we aren't left as vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Some exploiters have greater elegance and facility than others and can use a number of these tactics together in order to create for themselves the impression they want to foster.

There are individuals who have no issue employing whatever tactics allow them to impression manage, take advantage, misdirect and avoid taking responsibility for poor behaviour.

I hope this episode helps to raise awareness.

Episode 71: Dealing With Covertly Aggressive People

How to understand and approach fundamentally aggressive people

It is wonderful to see that in business we are moving more towards embracing emotional intelligence and that the psychological safety of people in the workplace is a key component to more profit.

However, with the move towards more feelings sensitivity, there may be some unexpected downsides. This type of environment could make it easier for covertly aggressive people to avoid detection and promote their win at all costs agendas!

There are individuals who employ any tactic available to keep themselves in a position of advantage over others. They do not have self-esteem issues, little self-doubt and little consideration for what others will think of their behaviour. The idea that people will keep away from conflict unless they absolutely have to doesn't apply here. This episode is inspired by some of the work that is emerging through such people as Dr George Simon author of In Sheep's Clothing, Dr David Schnarch author of Brain Talk and Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

A more expanded understanding and approach to fundamentally aggressive people is needed not only for the victim's but for the effective management of the different aggressive types too.

Episode 64: Toxic Behaviour and Antisocial Empathy

How empathy can be used for exploitation and cruelty

Trigger Warning! You may find the content of this Episode confronting to hear, so listener discretion advised.

Empathy is a survival skill. Having awareness of the feelings of others can be really helpful for keeping oneself alive. However, there is mostly a focus on prosocial empathy where I am aware of your feelings and respond to them in a sympathetic manner. Antisocial empathy is a different kettle of fish altogether.

If I am to deliberately exploit you then it stands to reason that I must be able to track to some degree the way you are thinking and feeling. The more empathy I have the greater my compassion can be or on the flip side my cruelty. 

I have always tended to assume the best in others and that has made me highly vulnerable at times to being exploited both personally and professionally. Dr David Schnarch explains antisocial empathy and some of what is now being discovered in the latest research in his amazing book Brain Talk. This episode is inspired by his work. 

Correction in Episode: Robert Titchener - American Psychologist coined the word Empathy in 1909.

When we can see the reality of an experience, even if it is hard to face, we can truly heal!

Episode 61: Uncovering Covert Narcissism

Learn to identify covert narcissists and take back control

Most people have some familiarity with more overt narcissistic behaviour. Covert narcissism however can be so much harder to spot and yet just as damaging to those on the receiving end.

Covert narcissism can slip under the radar and even though you feel something isn't right, it is a struggle to identify the toxic behaviour. This toxic behaviour can be so subtle and sophisticated.

Having further insight into what to look out for can really help you begin to take some level of control back in the dynamics and hold your space in a healthy way.

Dealing with any type of Narcissistic wound can be challenging, so education is a great resource.