Relationship Patterns

Episode 161: How Distance Damages Relationships

Protecting your relationship by enhancing closeness

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There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door or appear at the doors of those close to us, the relationship really experiences strain.

Having fundamental positive regard for our partner, a genuine friendship with them is seen as one of the most base elements of long term successful relationships and weathering effectively life challenges. However, if we aren't spending time together focused on continuing to really know one another then we can be weakening our relationship even though that is absolutely not what we wanted.

This episode looks at how important it is to not get too far apart from one another for too long unless we want to risk losing our relationship over time.

Episode 154: Tough Conversations To Preserve Our Relationship

Embracing challenging topics for better relationship health

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If we are serious about having long term healthy relationships then we need to be able to have potentially challenging conversations. Even the most successful relationships are faced from time to time with anxiety, stress and temptation. Life has a way of sometimes making our best-laid plans and ideas look trivial.

As a couple, can we commit to being willing to work on our fight form? How as a couple do we improve bringing up the topics that are tough and risk a heated exchange? Can we work as a team on how we could have handled that last argument better? Are there daily tasks that are a source of irritation that we are trying to ignore? How long can we ignore those daily irritations before they build into a major explosion in the relationship that is way harder to work through?

This episode explores some of these questions and more.

Episode 152: Seeing Both Sides of Relationship Patterns - Part III

The unforeseen consequences of emotional cutoff

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This episode focuses on an aspect of relating patterns known as Emotional Cutoff. When we choose or feel forced to cut someone out of our lives. There are times to go low or no contact of course, and with certain more low conscious types, it’s probably important.

However, when we cut someone out of our lives or refuse any contact it might reduce the immediate sense of anxiousness but add to long term friction. We may not talk to someone for months and then reunite without addressing the original issue, or we may geographically distance but still find that we mentally obsess over the person even though we don't see or speak with them directly.

This episode explores a number of elements and potential consequences of emotional cutoff.

Episode 151: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part II

Taking accountability for our contributions to relational stress

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Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular what is my contribution to us? Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy.

We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not being tuned into how we are coming across. We can become critical and focused on point-scoring at the expense of the relationship’s overall health. We can focus on what our partner needs to do rather than on what I need to do.

In times of relational harmony, have we taken the time as a couple to agree to the guidelines of how specifically we will argue? Importantly if we have, then under pressure do we adhere to them or feel we are justified to break the rules we set up.

Can we step away if things are amplifying unproductively and just as importantly finish challenging discussions later rather than sweep them under the carpet?

Episode 150: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part I

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships

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Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless.

We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only (at best) temporarily relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance.

This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position?

It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 147: Toxic Relating and Dynamics of Polarity

The impact of extreme relating polarities on our wellbeing

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One indicator that you may need to access the kind of relationship you are in is seemingly radical relating swings. The relationship brings you both the highest highs and lowest lows. How can someone treat me so well one moment and so horribly the next?

When they are good and showering us with attention it feels amazing and then when they withdraw and freeze us out it feels like such a lonely and desolate place.

How can one person be so charming and then so hateful? The confusion that ensues can engulf us and keep our attention distracted from the fact that they say all the right things and do none of them!

This episode looks at the emotional roller coaster effect of these radical swings in relating and their potential impact on our well being.

Episode 146: Looking At Lopsided Relationship Dynamics

How couples fall into relational imbalance

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I am fascinated by patterns of relating that we fall into in relationship especially with the passing of time. Some of these patterns promote intimacy, closeness and desire.

Others patterns, if left unattended over time, can leave our relationship vulnerable. We can be in a relationship and yet feel frustrated, lonely and unsupported.

In this episode, we look at how couples can slowly fall into the trap of being overly focused in one area of relational life (eg: career) and expecting our partner will cover off the other areas (eg: keeping up with family commitments). It is wonderful to work as a team and be responsible for different areas if that is agreed upon. However when this tips into becoming, for example, overly responsible at work and yet having no idea about the day to day running of the family home then we may have taken things too far. This means that consequences are likely to start appearing over time such as feeling like an outsider in your own home.

Episode 145: Observing Anxiety Dynamics In Relationship

Challenging automatic responses to create healthier relating

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When anxiety rises in the relationship, each person’s automatic anxiety management patterns start to get easier to see.

One member of the relationship starts to go into fix-it mode and the other starts to shut down.

Perhaps instead of talking to each other about the present points of friction, we start to complain to third parties. It may become so predictable that you already know who your partner will go to first to complain about you to. On the flip side, they probably know who your first go-to person is to.

If we have children together then we may find that to distract from the growing distance and tension we become overly involved in our children's lives.

This episode looks at some of these autopilot patterns for the purpose of giving us more clarity and control in continuing to work towards healthier relating.

This episode draws from some Bowen Family Systems theory and in particular Bowen Family Systems author Roberta M. Gilbert. I would certainly recommend her work when seeking to have a better understanding of the patterns that drive our relationships and family system.

Episode 142: Feeling Like You Are A Parent To Your Partner

What we can do to avoid patterns of unhealthy relating

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There are a number of dysfunctional relating patterns that we can fall into over time in our romantic relationships. These patterns lower desire and build frustration and resentment.

Some examples of adults falling into a parent to child style of relating are the Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome and/or what's known as paying your partner's mummy or daddy bill.

I want a partner who meets all my needs without me having to do much. I want a partner that heals all the wounding of my childhood. I want someone to look after me so that I don't have to be burdened by the job.

Choosing to become part of a couple means that whilst you hold onto a healthy sense of separateness, you also agree to contribute to the ‘us’ and togetherness side of the relationship. This means compromise and willingly shouldering some responsibility.

This episode looks at some of the parent/child like rut that we can fall into and the way it can erode healthy vibrant adult to adult relating.

Episode 119: Essential Negotiation Points For Relationship

4 essential areas that keep a relationship on track

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Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple.

In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identifies four key areas that are essential for couples to negotiate to keep the relationship on track.

Those areas are Time, Space, Money and Play. In this episode I will look at little deeper into these areas and why it is important to set time aside to work through these points of focus.

Anything that helps keep our relationship growing is well worth the effort and allocation of time to explore.

Episode 63: Picking A Romantic Partner

Laying the foundation for healthy relationships

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This episode is inspired by the number of people with whom I have worked who are tired of playing out the same painful dynamics in relationship, time and time again.

What can we do to ensure that we are giving ourselves the best opportunities to attract in people with whom we can work together to have healthy, stable yet passionate relationship dynamics?

Starting from a place where we feel equal to our partner not superior too or less than is a good commencing point and sets up good foundation.

Failed relationships can cost us so much emotionally, financially, spiritually and even physically. Hopefully this episode provides you with some navigation points to help maximise relationship success.


Episode 56: Two Key Pressures In Relationship

Reduce resentment, and build desire, passion and connection

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Long-term stable relationships are wonderful but they can also trigger old relationship patterns from our Family of Origin in how to manage anxiety and intimacy. Depending on what type of Family system we grew up in we may not have the most workable skill sets on board to make it work effectively long term.

This episode is inspired by the book, Growing Yourself Up by Jenny Brown who is a family system specialist. 

Through exploring these two potential points of stress covered in this episode that can emerge in the relationship we can reduce resentment and build the desire, passion and connection.

I hope you find value and insight in this episode that helps to support you having amazing relationship going forward!