Episode 160: Right For The Argument and Wrong For The Relationship

How to have healthy, relationship affirming disagreements

Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience.

If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict or negotiation situation and how that left you feeling, you will know what I mean. How willing are you to want to engage again with that person if another situation of challenge arises?

The really good negotiators and conflict specialists focus not only on the challenge at present but also on affirming the relationships between parties so that we will be willing to fight again on another day.

Disagreement isn't unhealthy and can even promote deeper understanding, intimacy and effective solutions. How we disagree and how we leave each other feeling can mean I win now but lose later. This can be especially true if as a result of confrontation with me, you refuse to want to engage again or hold back on crucial information going forward because I am now perceived as too unpleasant to deal with.

This episode looks at some of these aspects and being mindful of relationships.

Episode 123: When Boundary Setting Will Not Work

Dealing with habitual boundary violators

The irony is that the individuals that we deal with in our business and personal lives that we most need firm boundaries with are the people who are most likely to completely ignore our boundaries.

The majority of the population respond well to boundary clarification and are willing to work towards better more mutually compatible relationship and project outcomes. However, more research is emerging regarding low conscience or character disordered individuals who have made ignoring, violating or avoiding the healthy boundary requests of others an absolute art form. This art form not only requires an ability to violate boundaries and get away with it but also to excel in detection and accountability avoidance.

Some of the individuals leading the way in this area of study that I wish to acknowledge are Dr David Scharch, Sandra Brown, Jennifer Young, Robert Hare, George Simon, Kent Kiehl not to mention a host of others.

Episode 118: What To Do With Boundary Violations - Part II

Dealing with boundary violations in business relationships

This particular expands on episode 117 by looking at boundary violations in the business setting. Depending on where you sit in the hierarchy of the business you are in will mean a potentially different approach to poor behaviour. The higher up you are the more power you have to demand what is allowable treatment for you and to police that.

This episode deals with some of the elements you need to take into account when you aren't so high up the food chain. What can we do when we perceive we don't have as much power as we would like? How do we really get to a clarity of thinking and responding that will optimise success and reduce adverse expose?

Boundaries, boundary setting and boundary maintenance is a growing field of understanding. I hope this episode helps.

Episode 117: What To Do With Boundary Violations

How to effectively & healthily approach boundary violations

People shouldn't annoy me, treat me poorly or violate my boundaries! The reality is that from time to time people can and do.

This episode is dedicated to looking at some of the ways in which we can approach this inevitable situation in the most effective and healthy way. How specifically am I reacting to this perceived poor treatment and how do I get to a place of best thinking, feeling and reacting in response.

I can't control what others will do but I can control what I can do. When we can foster a place of the calm adult within us, then we optimise the best change to respond going forward.

Episode 116: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics Part II

Understanding and learning from boundary clashes

In this follow on episode regarding boundary dynamics, we continue with some of the themes from episode 114 and add some extra elements.

Sometimes when we have a perceived boundary clash with another person it can be truly accidental. We all grew up in different family systems and had possibly different areas that were considered taboo and no go areas. Some of the areas that can differ around what is appropriate and what isn't are areas such as money, religion, politics and sex to name a few. 

In our relationships, especially newer ones there is a natural process of finding out where the parameters are. In times like these, we are better served to embrace an approach of being open and enquiring rather than judgemental and ridiculing. Fostering the ability to be able to be respectful and curious about how another person has arrived at the boundaries they have can really foster deeper closeness and intimacy.

Episode 114: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics

Setting effective & mature boundaries

Setting boundaries and parameters around what you consider ok treatment and what you don't consider ok treatment is vitally important. This is an area that, as adults, is constantly up for review and improvement.

How do I set boundaries that people are going to respect? What strategies do I employ when setting boundaries?

Are there times where I have set boundaries effectively? When have I been ineffective and what are the key differences?

This episode looks at some of the refined and nuanced aspects of setting frameworks of what is acceptable in people dynamics.

The episode is intended to help you set boundaries from a place of clarity, integrity and as an adult. 

Episode 97: Supporting People who are in Toxic Relationships

Effectively offering support to those in abusive relationships

Given that abusive dynamics are unfortunately so common, there is every possibility that someone we love could find themselves in an abusive romantic relationship where both their physical and mental wellbeing is being damaged.

Effective support through this period requires some understanding otherwise we can unintentionally be playing into the hands of the abuser. The person who is experiencing threat, coercive control, domination and denial of their basic human rights needs to be met with full support and compassion.

However, we can be swept away in our own anxiety about their situation and rush in with advice-giving that may actually leave them feeling worse. This episode looks at some of what we can do to be of effective support to those we love.

Episode 85: Avoiding Drama Triangles

Understanding and responding to drama triangles

There are a number of ways in which humans behave when drama, anxiety and intensity increase between themselves and another. Some responses are helpful and lead to resolution. Other methods actually make matters worse.

One way in which anxiety and friction are managed between two people is to pull in a third party to vent and complain to. There are helpful versions of this and unhelpful versions.

This episode looks at the triangle dynamics that can form as a response to increased stress and what are the ways in which this process known as triangulation can play out. Any complex system, be that family, a business or our romantic relationship is at some point going to hit a point of challenge so it is useful to know what can happen as a result.

Episode 73: Recognising Power Plays

What kind of power dynamic am I in right now? 

The ability to become aware of what type of power game others have got you in can be vital to avoid being exploited! 

Power With means that we are working to achieve our goals and desires but not at the expense of others. People playing Power Over however are doing things very differently and are counting on the fact that you won't recognise what they are doing.

Backhanded insults, withholding important information, consistent misunderstandings at your expense are all part of the game for those looking to only advance themselves. 

Learning not to buy into their clever justifications but rather look at the consistent trail of behaviour can really assist you in understanding exactly what you are up against and how to best respond.

Episode 72: Insights Into Gaslighting

Understanding the manipulative strategies of gaslighting

Gaslighting, deliberately influencing another's perception of reality for advantage takes many forms.

This is a vast topic with many ways to keep someone in the dark, misinformed, defensive and off balance. Episode 72 looks at some of the strategies that are employed to exploit people. Through understanding and greater recognition, we aren't left as vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Some exploiters have greater elegance and facility than others and can use a number of these tactics together in order to create for themselves the impression they want to foster.

There are individuals who have no issue employing whatever tactics allow them to impression manage, take advantage, misdirect and avoid taking responsibility for poor behaviour.

I hope this episode helps to raise awareness.

Episode 71: Dealing With Covertly Aggressive People

How to understand and approach fundamentally aggressive people

It is wonderful to see that in business we are moving more towards embracing emotional intelligence and that the psychological safety of people in the workplace is a key component to more profit.

However, with the move towards more feelings sensitivity, there may be some unexpected downsides. This type of environment could make it easier for covertly aggressive people to avoid detection and promote their win at all costs agendas!

There are individuals who employ any tactic available to keep themselves in a position of advantage over others. They do not have self-esteem issues, little self-doubt and little consideration for what others will think of their behaviour. The idea that people will keep away from conflict unless they absolutely have to doesn't apply here. This episode is inspired by some of the work that is emerging through such people as Dr George Simon author of In Sheep's Clothing, Dr David Schnarch author of Brain Talk and Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

A more expanded understanding and approach to fundamentally aggressive people is needed not only for the victim's but for the effective management of the different aggressive types too.

Episode 69: Artful Vulnerability in Conversation

Promote deeper, richer connection between ourselves and others.

Ever tried to have a conversation with someone where you thought you'd risk showing yourself only to find that you came away feeling frustrated and unacknowledged?

The ability to share effectively in conversation relies on both parties involved. There is the responsibility of the sender and the responsibility of the receiver. This episode looks at the message sender and what we can do to promote deeper, richer connection between ourselves and others.

What are some of the key elements to consider when we want to share with another, things that are important to us and also leave us feeling a little raw. How do we take conversational risks in genuine vulnerability whilst doing the best we can to maximise a good conversational result for both the sender and the receiver?

Having more tools and strategies around effective conversation is just so vital to the ongoing health of both our personal and professional relationships.

Episode 64: Toxic Behaviour and Antisocial Empathy

How empathy can be used for exploitation and cruelty

Trigger Warning! You may find the content of this Episode confronting to hear, so listener discretion advised.

Empathy is a survival skill. Having awareness of the feelings of others can be really helpful for keeping oneself alive. However, there is mostly a focus on prosocial empathy where I am aware of your feelings and respond to them in a sympathetic manner. Antisocial empathy is a different kettle of fish altogether.

If I am to deliberately exploit you then it stands to reason that I must be able to track to some degree the way you are thinking and feeling. The more empathy I have the greater my compassion can be or on the flip side my cruelty. 

I have always tended to assume the best in others and that has made me highly vulnerable at times to being exploited both personally and professionally. Dr David Schnarch explains antisocial empathy and some of what is now being discovered in the latest research in his amazing book Brain Talk. This episode is inspired by his work. 

Correction in Episode: Robert Titchener - American Psychologist coined the word Empathy in 1909.

When we can see the reality of an experience, even if it is hard to face, we can truly heal!

Episode 61: Uncovering Covert Narcissism

Learn to identify covert narcissists and take back control

Most people have some familiarity with more overt narcissistic behaviour. Covert narcissism however can be so much harder to spot and yet just as damaging to those on the receiving end.

Covert narcissism can slip under the radar and even though you feel something isn't right, it is a struggle to identify the toxic behaviour. This toxic behaviour can be so subtle and sophisticated.

Having further insight into what to look out for can really help you begin to take some level of control back in the dynamics and hold your space in a healthy way.

Dealing with any type of Narcissistic wound can be challenging, so education is a great resource.

Episode 58: Emotionally Reacting to Others

Managing our less than desirable emotional responses

We all have people in our lives that evoke strong responses in us. There are those people who we love to be around and come away from an exchange with them feeling uplifted and inspired.

However there are also individuals that the moment we get around them we feel reactive negative emotions starting to arise. Perhaps it's their ideas, the way they speak and behave when dealing with others or just their very presence puts us on eggshells.

Episode 58 looks at some focuses for managing those less than desirable responses we may have when dealing with certain people be it in the workplace or in the home. How do we manage ourselves rather than look to manage others in order to produce better connections and more productive relationships going forward? This episode explores some of those ways.

Episode 55: Red Flags For Possible Narcs and Abusers

Early warning signs to look out for

It can be so valuable to be able to spot potential trouble early on in the form of a Narcissist, Social Psychopath or someone with control issues. These dynamics don't often emerge until they have us hooked in but there are certain early warning signs to look out for.

I personally have had challenges with such people both in my personal and professional life. I would have loved to have known more about some of these dynamics earlier in my life!

I hope this episode is interesting and helpful for you!

Episode 33: Boundaries Revisited

Healthy Vs Unhealthy Boundaries

Episode 33 once again looks at boundaries as they are just such a central component to people dynamics.

Depending on the family system, the family culture you grew up in, you can develop a very different idea around boundaries compared to your romantic partner or work colleagues.

This episode explores some of the central elements and points of consideration so as to add to your existing understanding of what is a healthy boundary compared to unhealthy.

Understanding in this critical area of human interaction can really propel us forward into quality fulfilling relationships in every area of life. I hope you find that this episode provokes some contemplation on what you may have been taught directly or indirectly about boundaries in the past.

Episode 28: Soft Skills and Emotional Literacy

Develop your emotional literacy skills in order to stay relevant in the workforce

Episode 28 continues to address soft skills in life and business. 

As business push more and more for the optimal point of effective goal achievement coupled with emotions harmony in the workplace. How do we continue to develop in this area, both as an individual and as a group/team?

This episode is also relevant to parents, especially when factoring in developmental maturity and not inadvertently setting children up to fail which later results in creating limiting beliefs in adults about their capacity to create and achieve!

I hope you find this episode gives you greater insight and food for thought around the power of emotions in business as well as insights into strategies for more effective management of this area.

Episode 12: Persuasion & Influence Tips

Ever wondered why it is that you said Yes to something when you meant to say no?

Or had purchase regret? Why did I agree to go to that function when I really didn't want to!

Ep 12 looks at Cialdini's Unconscious Influence Patterns and how they can have dramatic effects on our decision making in business, relationships, and life. This episode draws from the book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B. Cialdini to help create greater awareness around how we are being influenced and directionalized, and not always for our best good!

Learn about how you can use these patterns to both advance your goals and defend against poor choices.

Episode 03: Tips for Productive Disagreements

Having healthy fight form reduces stress and preserves relationships long term.

Arguments, fights and disagreements are a part of life. When we are in stimulating, challenging environments and relationships different points of view arise.

Through knowing how to disagree and not getting stuck on what we are disagreeing about we can emerge from this moments renewed, rather than frustrated and toxic.

Learning how to have more productive disputes is so valuable to continued forward momentum in relationships and business.