Episode 164: Feeling Engulfed By The Family System

Balancing the Individual self with the family unit

One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful.

However when we feel that closeness in the family is more like being swallowed up then we either run away in some form or perhaps resentfully comply. Enmeshed families can demand that closeness comes with conditions. Don't disturb how we do things here! Enmeshed families can demand that we all think the same, behave the same and don't call out any of the dysfunction you see. Guilt, shame and obligation become large aspects of how a family like this operates.

This episode looks at some of the things that we can do to really begin to be in our family system in more genuinely loving ways. How do I be more myself around those who love me and work towards increasing my own sense of self-approval?

Episode 155: Parenting Convictions & Boundaries

Parenting principles for children’s long-term success

This episode draws on some of the work of Bowen Family systems author and therapist Roberta Gilbert. The episode looks at some of the navigating principles that we can employ to support in the roller coaster journey of seeing our children successfully through to adulthood. How do we prepare in advance for the amazing highs and anxiety-provoking lows.

How can we ensure that we are building our children up and not unintentionally undermining their long term success?

I hope that you find this episode a helpful resource and certainly recommend checking out the book: Connecting With Our Children by Roberta Gilbert.

Episode 152: Seeing Both Sides of Relationship Patterns - Part III

The unforeseen consequences of emotional cutoff

This episode focuses on an aspect of relating patterns known as Emotional Cutoff. When we choose or feel forced to cut someone out of our lives. There are times to go low or no contact of course, and with certain more low conscious types, it’s probably important.

However, when we cut someone out of our lives or refuse any contact it might reduce the immediate sense of anxiousness but add to long term friction. We may not talk to someone for months and then reunite without addressing the original issue, or we may geographically distance but still find that we mentally obsess over the person even though we don't see or speak with them directly.

This episode explores a number of elements and potential consequences of emotional cutoff.

Episode 151: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part II

Taking accountability for our contributions to relational stress

Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular what is my contribution to us? Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy.

We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not being tuned into how we are coming across. We can become critical and focused on point-scoring at the expense of the relationship’s overall health. We can focus on what our partner needs to do rather than on what I need to do.

In times of relational harmony, have we taken the time as a couple to agree to the guidelines of how specifically we will argue? Importantly if we have, then under pressure do we adhere to them or feel we are justified to break the rules we set up.

Can we step away if things are amplifying unproductively and just as importantly finish challenging discussions later rather than sweep them under the carpet?

Episode 150: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part I

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships

Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless.

We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only (at best) temporarily relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance.

This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position?

It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 137: Dealing With An Emotionally Overwhelming Family

Managing emotional overreacting learnt from our families

Families can be intense and sometimes overreact emotionally to certain situations that present themselves. When we grow up in emotionally intense families we can experience family members becoming highly anxious about our life choices.

Emotional outbursts, uninvited advice-giving, ridicule and talking behind other family members backs about them can end up being the order of the day. 

The emotional education we directly or indirectly received in our childhoods can have a huge influence on our present-day adult relationships and even affect our professional environments.

This episode looks at some of the tools we may need to help us have more fulfilling adult relationships and manage emotional overreacting in ourselves and others more effectively.

Episode 136: Family Roles & Family Anxiety

How family roles affect our personal & professional lives

Our family system has its own way of dealing with issues of intimacy and anxiety. One of the ways in which we find our place in our family system is to take on roles.

These roles have unhealthy and healthy expressions. They can serve to keep the family enmeshed and family anxiety suppressed.  The more challenged or dysfunctional the family, the more fixed the roles can get. Someone in the family may get cast as the troubled, messed up one whilst a sibling becomes the golden child. 

These roles, although they feel quite comfortable at times, can interfere with our ability to truly be ourselves around our family. In turn, what we learn in our family of origin we then can play out in our intimate adult relationships and professional lives.

Episode 135: How To Deal With Family Guilt

Standing up for self while remaining connected

In family systems that are too enmeshed any stand one makes for self even if it is perfectly reasonable can trigger anxiety in the family system. 

One way in which you can be pushed back into the fold, so to speak, is to be guilted back into behaving like everyone else again. What do you mean you're not coming to dinner? Everyone else will be there! Mom will be so disappointed! Don't you think about others?

Learning how to make a stand for self in a healthy mature way, whilst remaining connected is one of the most vital skills we can develop. Learning the difference between the things we are genuinely guilty over compared to triggered guilt that serves the family enmeshment is essential for self-clarity.

Episode 126: Preparing For When The Kids Leave Home

Navigating the transition of kids leaving home

When it is time for the kids to leave home and we are faced with the empty nest there are a number of elements to consider. This episode is about addressing some of the areas that you may need to plan for ideally ahead of time.

How does our identity and interaction with our child begin to move from just parent to child exchange to adult to adult exchange? How will we negotiate time spent together and when to catch up?

Now that the kids have left, how will you now best structure your time? Are you and your partner now having to rediscover each other after relating through the kids for so long, what will that look like?

These and other elements for exploration are addressed in episode 126 and for those of you facing this phase.

I hope it aids in navigating this transitional phase as elegantly as possible!

Episode 115: Parenting Role With Adult Children

Reinventing an equal relationship with your children

As children grow, they move through different stages of development on the journey to adulthood. As their yearning for individuality emerges and especially as they reach late teens, early twenties the relationship with them begins to change. It can be very challenging and anxiety-provoking to the parent to step out of their directive role into a more adult to adult relationship.

What used to be a comfortable, familiar relationship is let go and new dynamics emerge for relating to your adult child as an equal. How, especially in moments of stress, can I deal with this person in the present rather than falling back into old relating dynamics and reactive, uninvited advice-giving?

It can be challenging to reinvent our relationship with our kids but if we can push through the discomfort, amazing things can be achieved!

Episode 111: Fathers & Family Systems

Navigating modern fathering & creating strong bonds

Modern relationship and parenting paradigms are changing so rapidly. The old ways of the father role being only the provider no longer fits the requirements or the family's expectations.

This episode looks at a couple of focuses that can really help fathers navigate with more effectiveness in the modern family landscape. Children grow up so quick! How can we ensure as fathers and stepfathers that our relationships are strong, intimate and lasting? How do you make the most of the privilege of fathering?

Episode 107: Recovery From Toxic Family Systems - Part I

Addressing areas of family wounding to achieve healthy adult relationships

Our early family experiences fundamentally influence the kind of relationship quality we have as adults. What did we experience growing up, and what types of strategies and coping methods did we take on to get through?

This episode looks at some of the areas of wounding that can need addressing in order to have better, more genuine and intimate adult relationships. One of the reference sources for this episode is the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker.

The recovery journey for some can be long and anything that can help add to our self-education so that we can reclaim ourselves is valuable. This is a vast topic, hence visiting with it in parts. I hope you find this helpful.

Episode 106: Sibling Rivalry and Abuse

How sibling dynamics can shape our present state

The relationship that you have with your sibling/siblings and cousins can be the longest relationships in your life. Depending on your experiences growing up these relationships can be of massive support, considerable pain or both.

This episode looks at how these relationships were shaped by our experience in our family system growing up and how they play out in our present adult relationships.

Were you forced to compete for attention? Did you feel that you were constantly compared?

How has the past shaped the present?

This episode looks at some of the dynamics that can shape sibling relationships. The more we can understand what happened in the broader sense of the family the more we can move towards having even more joyous and intimate relationships in the present.

Episode 104: Getting To Know Your Parents

The benefits of knowing your parents beyond the parent/child dynamic

One of the most intense, influential and challenging relationships we can experience in our lives can be with one or both of our parents. The parent/child dynamic for some has meant chasing parental approval all our lives or actively trying to push away from what we perceive to be overbearing parental intrusion into our lives. This intrusion for some of us doesn't seem to abate just because we have become an adult.

It is amazing that we can be around someone all our lives and yet do we really know them?

What would you like to know about your parents that you don't yet know?

This episode looks at getting to know our parents beyond the parent/child dynamic and what benefits can become present out of engaging in these conversations.

Episode 96: Negative Effects of Power Over Parenting

Overcoming conflicted feelings about success

Depending on what type of Power Dynamic we experienced growing up, certain consequences can arise. If we learned that it was ok to share around the power and control depending perhaps on who was best equipped in the moment to direct, then we might find ourselves very comfortable to move between moments of leading and following.

However, if we experienced fixed positions relative to power and control where one person was always in the "superior position" regardless of competence, expertise or appropriateness then we can come away with mixed messages and feelings about success.

One way in which this can play out is with a mixed set of responses to success. If as a child every time you succeeded, took an authentic position or stood out you were in some way cut down or set back, then you can experience increases in anxiety when you succeed.

What we experienced as a child can create a double bind going forward where we crave success and yet are fearful of it at the same time. This episode explores some of that dynamic and what we can begin to do about it.

Episode 94: Children Witnessing Toxic Relationships

How exposure to abusive relationships impacts children’s present & future wellbeing

It can unfortunately sometimes be easier to think that if something didn't happen, or isn't happening to my kids directly, they won't be that affected! Witnessing toxic, abusive exchanges between one's parents on a consistent basis can impact children not just at the felt level, but can influence attitudes and beliefs about what an intimate relationship consists of. I may come away thinking that because people love me they get to hurt me! 

When we see a romantic relationship that is heavily tipped in the favour of one person then it can be very confusing. Especially when this obvious one-sided dynamic is consistently denied!

When supporting children to grow into adults that are capable of having happy, healthy, mutually respectful and genuinely loving relationships, what can we do to help? 

Staying open to conversation with our children and noticing what beliefs are held, supportive or otherwise is vital!

Episode 91: Raising Children with a Narcissist

Navigating the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist

Growing strong healthy and well-esteemed children can be a journey at the best of times! But what happens when we end up having to do this with a partner or ex-partner whom we find tremendously challenging to get along with or who isn't even interested in getting along.

What can we do that would help ensure the best environment we can create within our control to support our kids.

Although each family situation is unique there are some common touchpoints of attention that may help in navigating the way ahead. Good self-support and self-care become vital if we are to be the best support we can to our children. There are a number of other areas too that we can think about going forward. I genuinely hope this episode helps!

Episode 80: Getting My Kids to Listen to Me

How do I as a parent make it easier for my kids to hear me?

Modern parenting is challenging and one of those challenges is getting the kids to listen to our sage words of parenting wisdom! The reality is we can't make anyone listen who doesn't want to but we may be able to maximise our chances of increased receptivity in our children.

This episode looks at some of the ways that parents get in their own way when trying to lovingly guide their children through the journey of life. One way to get our kids to listen to us more is we must first listen to them more!

Despite our wise words children still tend to respond both consciously and unconsciously to what we do rather than what we say.

Episode 78: Symptoms of How a Family Manages Grief

How can we process our loss in a healthy way?

The loss of a dearly loved one is painful! These moments in life can have a very significant effect on individuals but also on the whole family system. A family can be pulled apart by their grief and unresolved conflicts resurface at this time or we can come together with greater compassion, love and closeness than ever before.

One way in which we can manage the experience is to over focus and over worry about others. It is important to be present to support and love those who are experiencing the loss with us but not as a distraction to being in our own process.

Reactivity is heightened at this time so we need to be extra mindful around bringing up challenging issues or addressing old wounds. How can we support others but stay present for ourselves and work out what we need to process our loss in a healthy way?

If approached effectively we can turn great pain into an opportunity to create even healthier closeness in our family.

Episode 77: Tips for Starting The Second Family

How to create the best new family dynamic we can

The most rapidly growing relationship style is the remarried or step family relationship. Some individuals are not only on their second family but beginning the third.

It is important to know what can make this journey so much more challenging for not only the new couple but the children they bring into the new arrangement.

How can we best support the children, ourselves and our present partner going forward to create the best new family dynamic we can?

Through developing a better understanding of what awaits we can plan for how best to meet our challenges.

I really hope this episode informs you of what will need to be addressed. All the best!