Episode 165: Improving Our Relationship With Ourselves

How to develop positive self-regard

Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard?

You can improve your sense of feeling that you are enough and at the same time recognise that you have areas to work on.

What self-care routines work best for you and how consistent with them are you? Do you think about yourself and your life goals as much as you fixate on what others should and shouldn't be doing? Are you as organised as you could be? How do you use alcohol, drugs, business and relationships?

There are a number of ways to continue to improve your relationship with yourself and when we do, we enhance our relationships with those around us and with life. This episode explores some of the aspects of improved self relating.

Episode 163: Focusing On Others To Avoid Focusing On Self

How can we spend more time being present for self and less in other people's business?

One way to stay out of the anxiety of dealing with self is to spend all our time focusing on what others should be doing. If I am always fixated on how to help others then I get to avoid dealing with my issues.

In Robin Norwood's excellent book Women Who Love To Much, she makes reference to the sunny side of control: “I will manage my anxiety by rescuing you, advising you and doing for you.” This can come with a great deal of approval from others and we get to look good. Whilst we may look good and get approval we may also be causing others to under function because we are doing for them what they actually could do for themselves.

It can be challenging to watch others engage in areas of life that we are convinced we have a better way for them. We may feel that it is just easier and quicker to do it for them. This addresses the immediate stress but creates more in the long run.

Many people who are chronic rescuers find that whilst they have all the answers for how others should live, they are baffled when it comes to themselves. It is important to take back self-focus, attend to one's own experience and tune into one's own emotional space and stick with it even if at first it is anxiety-provoking.

Episode 159: When Setting Self Limits Gives Us More Freedom

How boundaries & accountability lead to opportunities

When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as energy levels.

How well am I actually being accountable to myself? Am I setting myself tasks to achieve and then finding loopholes or excuses so that my personal to-do list still seems to have the same jobs on it as a month ago or even longer, ha, ha!

I sometimes find it easier to function and stay on track on behalf of others, but when it comes to doing for me I am always letting myself off the hook. This episode looks at how setting those self boundaries and then adhering to them consistently will result in us getting more of what we want in the long term.

Episode 158: Paying The Price For What You Want

Choosing our sacrifices wisely

Part of going after a meaningful goal is the things I am willing to give up in order to prioritise my goal. In the course of my career, I have had the privilege to have taught and worked with many successful people who have had to make certain sacrifices to get where they want to go. The effort becomes part of the reward if we have chosen what we will pursue wisely.

It can be very challenging to fix your time, effort and resources on achieving something and when you get there, it doesn’t provide you with the personal payoff or payoffs you thought. I have personally achieved a number of things in my life that didn't actually provide for me all that I thought they would or the joy of achievement was short-lived.

Time is of the essence and when goal setting we need to examine the drivers behind the goal.

What will I choose to let go of in order to prioritise the selected goal and what structures need to be in place to achieve the goal?

This episode explores some of these questions so that we can use the precious time we have available as effectively as possible.

Episode 157: Projecting Onto Others What Is Unowned About Me

How understanding our judgments can create greater self-awareness

What am I drawn to in others that grabs my attention in either positive or negative ways?

Is what I am attracted to or repelled by in others actually an opportunity to acknowledge an aspect in myself. Through the process of growing up we may find that elements of our being have been under-expressed or not permitted due to the family system we grew up in.

For example, I may find that I am drawn to and have a fascination with carefree, go with the flow people. Part of the fascination is a calling to acknowledge and allow myself to embrace my fun free, hedonistic self more fully than I have been doing. However, I may have grown up in a family system that overtly or covertly sent the message that hard work and seriousness were what was acceptable and valued by the family. Fun and enjoying life is trivial rather than of vital importance to developing the wholeness of self.

On the flip side, if I find myself disapproving of the behaviour of another, I can ask myself ‘where am I doing the same thing in my life?’ You spot it, you got it type approach.

This episode is about viewing others as an opportunity to turn the lens back on self so as to embrace and integrate a more complete self.

Episode 156: Little Tips That Can Take You Far

Small focus changes to create big rewards

This episode looks at some of the little focuses that successful people prioritise in pursuit of their goals.

Life is challenging sometimes and staying on track can be a task all of its own. In this episode we look at a few touchpoints that if consistently engaged in can bring great reward.

I hope you enjoy the program and find it helpful.

Episode 153: Little Successes & Little Stresses

Addressing the little things to make life easier

Little successes achieved consistently over time can build themselves into something quite significant. It is important to recognise and celebrate the little wins along the way. If we have multiple goals over multiple areas of our life then we can draw on success in one area to motivate us in another area where things don't seem to be moving as quickly as we would like.

Additionally, as success can compound into something amazing over time little stresses, friction points and sources of anxiety left unaddressed build too. If we try to avoid what we know at some point will become unavoidable then you are really doing yourself, and possibly others, a great disservice. Life can be challenging enough sometimes without waiting till our backs are against the wall. As uncomfortable as it can be it is best to get in as early as possible whilst we aren't too emotionally reactive or our resentment has built to a point where it has reduced our thinking clarity.

Give the little wins their due and celebrate them. Give the little stresses their due and address them before they can grow.

This episode looks at the compounding of both success and stress. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 149: Treating Self As You Treat Other

Giving to & approaching self in the way we do for others

Ask me to be present for another person in their moment of perceived failure and I am there with love, compassion, support and nurture. I’m full of encouragement and able to see effectively where they have done better than they presently believe.

However, in my moments of perceived failure, I take a very different approach! The automatic go to seems to be one of critical self-disgust, self frustration and anything else I can think of in the moment to metaphorically punish myself for! It's amazing how quickly I can go historical and bring up a mountain of other perceived failures to throw in my own face! Apparently, this is meant to help, ha, ha!

How can I get to more self-compassion, self-support and self-love? It is quite possibly in the moments where I most want to deny myself my own loving compassion that it is most needed.

Episode 144: Looking At Types of Self Abandonment

Providing self-support when we have been taught the opposite

There are many ways in which we can give ourselves away and not provide adequate self-support. We are human and compassion for self is required when exploring this area of life.

What did I learn from my family system about choosing togetherness and the temporary approval of others at the expense of my self-approval? This has significant ramifications in both our professional and personal lives.

In this episode, we look at a couple of self-abandonment categories, namely emotional self-abandonment, financial self-abandonment and physical self-abandonment. What did we learn in these areas both directly and indirectly from our families in these areas?

Gaining insight into how our past family system experience isn't for the purpose of blame but rather to allow us to more readily choose how we want to take control of our lives going forward. How much and how well am I actually showing up in my own life, rather than just following a bunch of scripted rules and expectations I picked up in childhood?

May you have every success and joy in your life journey!

Episode 141: Time Audit & Planning Misperception

Conducting a time audit to improve your quality of life

We spend so much time in our lives but rarely allocate space to specifically observe how we are using our time. Time is a non-renewable resource so how it is spent can become very significant and precious.

However, it is easy to slip into habits, get lost on the internet or have time simply seem to vanish on us. Conducting an audit may help us to become aware of small adjustments that could yield big returns to our life quality.

This episode also looks at the misperception that in the future you'll have more time. The habits, perceptions and structure you have around time at present are more than likely going to be the same unless you make some adjustments. Unless you refine your relationship with life in your present set of circumstances, going forward and achieving more can actually lead to you feeling more time pressure and not less.

Episode 140: Do What I Tell You So That I Can Feel Better

How to self-regulate instead of trying to control others

Depending on the type of family system we grew up in, one of the things we learned was that telling others what to do was the way to feel less anxious. When you behave and think as I want you to then I can feel ok.

This episode looks at the belief that we can control the way others think, feel and behave. Sometimes it works but rudely people then start thinking for themselves again! I want the people around me to be confident and free-thinking as long as your expressions of confidence are sanctioned by me and meet with my approval.

The closer I am to you the more likely your behaviour will become anxiety-producing to me from time to time.

So we can try our luck and turn ourselves inside out shaping others or we can begin by first assessing our reactiveness.

It is my job to regulate me. Once I have assessed and gained insight into what my reaction is evoking in me, I can proceed with greater calmness and clarity. I imagine that this would maximise my chances of success in promoting the most healthy and genuine relational experiences, going forward.

Episode 139: When Taking Care of Everyone Else Means You Miss Out

Learning self love & the difference between healthy & unhealthy care

Growing up some of us learned that the way to seek love, validation and approval was to give, give, give. We may have even gotten really skilled at anticipating and meeting the needs of others before they themselves even became aware of what they needed.

Over fixation on others can lead to resentment and exhaustion in us especially as we wait in vain for someone to give to us. When is it your turn? It can get so imbalanced that we can become uncomfortable with receiving. We get so skilled at looking after everyone else that when it comes to meeting our own needs and wants we can end up drawing a blank or feeling guilty.

This episode looks at healthy and unhealthy care, as well as how we can begin to focus on loving ourselves, approving of ourselves instead of chasing after others all the time in the off chance that we will get some crumbs of love and appreciation.

Episode 133: Risk Taking and Informed Confidence

Understanding the relationship between confidence and educated risk-taking

When I'm feeling more confident then I will take on the world! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work as well that way. As a person who likes to find the easiest way out, no one is more disappointed than me about this.

Genuine, informed confidence comes from engaging in the world, braving to risk even if that means facing temporary failure. Through taking risks and succeeding my confidence in myself and my abilities grows.

Through taking risks and falling short but working out how to move through that, my confidence grows. Action both informs and refines. As a result, my confidence grows but also has substance behind it.

This episode looks at the relationship between building confidence and educated risk-taking. How can I stack the deck in my favour? 

Episode 132: Managing Personal Limitations That Prevent Success

How to work with limitations for greater success

I find it so interesting how many successful people have managed to turn adversity and their own self-limitations into something that works for them or that they can work around.

We all have areas of life or aspects of our personalities that we see as not up to par. The relationship and strategies that we utilise to address where we feel weak can be the difference between getting where we wish to go and falling short.

In this episode, we explore this topic and some ways to integrate our limitations so that we can have greater success in life, love and business.

Episode 131: Avoiding Success Traps

How do we get in our own way of staying at the top?

It is one thing to get to the top of your chosen profession and a whole other ball game to stay there.

The majority of individuals who reach their chosen idea of success might make it, but very few actually sustain that level.

This episode looks at some of the pitfalls that can get in the way of staying at the top. How do we get in our own way? What can we do to ensure that what we have built is sustained?

Episode 130: Developing Your Specific Success Fundamentals

The fundamentals of doing well in life

With every idea of success, you can generally find individuals who have employed different strategies to get to the same place. The great thing about books and the internet is they provide us with so much information and so many ways to get where you want to go. The downside of having the internet and thousands of books on success is that they provide us with so many ways to get where we want to go.

This episode looks at some of the fundamentals that seem to appear more often than not in how people do well at life. For example: More often than not people have had a mentor or mentors along the way. More often than not people have gotten further in life by having the right people around them personally and professionally.

This episode explores some of these elements and offers some areas of focus to help you achieve your goals in a best-fit way for you.

Episode 128: Knowing When It Is Enough

Letting go of perfection to enjoy our achievements

Sometimes the messages we received about success in our childhood feed into our drives as an adult.

Am I succeeding for me or because it is what I believe others have wanted for me?

Messages like "Be Perfect!", "Mistakes aren't tolerated!" and other such versions of these mean that we can be driven to excel past levels that actually return sufficient joy. 

It can be important to reflect on the sometimes crippling downside of perfect, so that we can ease up on ourselves and actually enjoy life and what we have accomplished in it.

Episode 122: Brain Priming and Decision Fatigue

How to stay effective at work, and relaxed at play

This episode looks at ways to help our brain assess states of effectiveness and high performance.

How often are we attempting to focus on work and yet our mind is drifting off to thoughts of the weekend?

On the flip side when the weekend finally arrives and it's time to relax we can't keep the office out of our minds.

What are some of the ways in which we can help the brain to stay in work mode when needed and also stay in play mode when it is time for rest and self-care.

The techniques are easy; it's just making sure we stick to them consistently so as to be able to get the most out of our brains as often as possible.

Episode 120: Healing From A Toxic Childhood

Effectively addressing the effects of childhood trauma

If you grew up in an unhealthy family system of one form or another then you need to adapt and mould to try to survive your childhood. Some of those adaptations can end up being assets later however some get in the way of living a fulfilling and successful life as an adult.

This episode looks at some of the potential areas a person may need to focus on in order to heal and have peace of mind. We can face challenges in feeling safe in intimate relationships or even just with people in general. Trauma triggers to manage as we overreact to experiences that others take for granted. We can develop a painful relationship with pleasure and seek to avoid or sabotage experiences that could bring us joy. This amongst other elements needs to be understood so that they can be effectively addressed.

I hope you find this episode helpful!

Episode 108: Recovery From Toxic Family Systems - Part II

How the inherited inner critic impacts recovery

Recovery from having grown up in a very challenging family system can mean that you need to take several avenues to healing. If we have wounding that affects our relationships as adults, our ability to feel safe and also the level of effectiveness in problem-solving, then there can appear to be a lot to do.

This episode looks again at dealing effectively with the inner critic and how it can impact recovery. The inner critic can affect our self-compassion, self-regard, and our ability to effectively self protect.

The more we are aware of how the inner critic continues the legacy of family disfunction and learn methods for challenging, quietening and integrating the more successful our recovery journey.