Episode 126: Preparing For When The Kids Leave Home

Navigating the transition of kids leaving home

When it is time for the kids to leave home and we are faced with the empty nest there are a number of elements to consider. This episode is about addressing some of the areas that you may need to plan for ideally ahead of time.

How does our identity and interaction with our child begin to move from just parent to child exchange to adult to adult exchange? How will we negotiate time spent together and when to catch up?

Now that the kids have left, how will you now best structure your time? Are you and your partner now having to rediscover each other after relating through the kids for so long, what will that look like?

These and other elements for exploration are addressed in episode 126 and for those of you facing this phase.

I hope it aids in navigating this transitional phase as elegantly as possible!

Episode 125: Three Strikes & Out In Relationship

The importance of giving our partners a chance to course-correct

Have you ever experienced or know someone who has an abrupt end to a relationship you thought was going well? It may be because you had a couple of strikes against you but they weren't communicated.

In a business apart from a clear set of dos, don'ts and performance expectations, there is often some sort of warning or strikes system. If you transgress in such a way that your standing in the business has been impacted but not enough to be fired, you get a warning. A warning lets us know where we now stand and gives us an opportunity to course-correct. This is vital if we hope to remain in the business long term.

Sometimes in relationships, either ourselves or our partner wounds the relationship. The relationship takes a hit but not enough to end it. It is vital to communicate relationship strikes otherwise we don't get the chance to course-correct. Avoiding the conversation so as to not cause hurt is likely only to end in causing more hurt later.

This episode looks at the idea of relational strikes and how they can aid or destroy our relational success.

Episode 124: Low Conscience Individuals & Social Hiding

Understanding the exploitation tactics of low conscience individuals

There is a small percentage of the population that are not influenced as much as the rest of us by guilt, shame, anxiety, behaviourally appropriate boundaries, remorse and excessive empathy. 

Whilst they are small in number if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself entangled with them in a business or personal dynamic of significance then the damage can be great. Unlike in the movies where, as an audience member, it is made clear or clarity develops as to motives of exploitation of certain individuals, real life isn't that way.

Those that are seeking relationships of exploitation rely on a number of strategies to keep that hidden.

This episode looks at some of the ways in which these individuals exploit, strategise, misdirect and charm their ways into our lives and businesses sometimes with devastating consequences.

Episode 123: When Boundary Setting Will Not Work

Dealing with habitual boundary violators

The irony is that the individuals that we deal with in our business and personal lives that we most need firm boundaries with are the people who are most likely to completely ignore our boundaries.

The majority of the population respond well to boundary clarification and are willing to work towards better more mutually compatible relationship and project outcomes. However, more research is emerging regarding low conscience or character disordered individuals who have made ignoring, violating or avoiding the healthy boundary requests of others an absolute art form. This art form not only requires an ability to violate boundaries and get away with it but also to excel in detection and accountability avoidance.

Some of the individuals leading the way in this area of study that I wish to acknowledge are Dr David Scharch, Sandra Brown, Jennifer Young, Robert Hare, George Simon, Kent Kiehl not to mention a host of others.

Episode 122: Brain Priming and Decision Fatigue

How to stay effective at work, and relaxed at play

This episode looks at ways to help our brain assess states of effectiveness and high performance.

How often are we attempting to focus on work and yet our mind is drifting off to thoughts of the weekend?

On the flip side when the weekend finally arrives and it's time to relax we can't keep the office out of our minds.

What are some of the ways in which we can help the brain to stay in work mode when needed and also stay in play mode when it is time for rest and self-care.

The techniques are easy; it's just making sure we stick to them consistently so as to be able to get the most out of our brains as often as possible.

Episode 121: Empty Promises In Relationship

Why keeping promises is vital for relationship health

Sometimes we make vows or our partner does, to do better in the relationship going forward. Great sentiment but with no substance on exactly how that looks, time and time again we can be left feeling deflated as nothing actually changes! This leads to resentment which can be a relationship and passion killer.

When we agree to " what specifically "  trying harder looks like going forward then it is harder to be evasive.

This episode is a little shorter than others but the topic of committing to evidence of how you or your partner are actualising your relational promises is vitally important to the ongoing longevity and happiness of the relationship.

Episode 120: Healing From A Toxic Childhood

Effectively addressing the effects of childhood trauma

If you grew up in an unhealthy family system of one form or another then you need to adapt and mould to try to survive your childhood. Some of those adaptations can end up being assets later however some get in the way of living a fulfilling and successful life as an adult.

This episode looks at some of the potential areas a person may need to focus on in order to heal and have peace of mind. We can face challenges in feeling safe in intimate relationships or even just with people in general. Trauma triggers to manage as we overreact to experiences that others take for granted. We can develop a painful relationship with pleasure and seek to avoid or sabotage experiences that could bring us joy. This amongst other elements needs to be understood so that they can be effectively addressed.

I hope you find this episode helpful!

Episode 119: Essential Negotiation Points For Relationship

4 essential areas that keep a relationship on track

Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple.

In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identifies four key areas that are essential for couples to negotiate to keep the relationship on track.

Those areas are Time, Space, Money and Play. In this episode I will look at little deeper into these areas and why it is important to set time aside to work through these points of focus.

Anything that helps keep our relationship growing is well worth the effort and allocation of time to explore.

Episode 118: What To Do With Boundary Violations - Part II

Dealing with boundary violations in business relationships

This particular expands on episode 117 by looking at boundary violations in the business setting. Depending on where you sit in the hierarchy of the business you are in will mean a potentially different approach to poor behaviour. The higher up you are the more power you have to demand what is allowable treatment for you and to police that.

This episode deals with some of the elements you need to take into account when you aren't so high up the food chain. What can we do when we perceive we don't have as much power as we would like? How do we really get to a clarity of thinking and responding that will optimise success and reduce adverse expose?

Boundaries, boundary setting and boundary maintenance is a growing field of understanding. I hope this episode helps.

Episode 117: What To Do With Boundary Violations

How to effectively & healthily approach boundary violations

People shouldn't annoy me, treat me poorly or violate my boundaries! The reality is that from time to time people can and do.

This episode is dedicated to looking at some of the ways in which we can approach this inevitable situation in the most effective and healthy way. How specifically am I reacting to this perceived poor treatment and how do I get to a place of best thinking, feeling and reacting in response.

I can't control what others will do but I can control what I can do. When we can foster a place of the calm adult within us, then we optimise the best change to respond going forward.

Episode 116: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics Part II

Understanding and learning from boundary clashes

In this follow on episode regarding boundary dynamics, we continue with some of the themes from episode 114 and add some extra elements.

Sometimes when we have a perceived boundary clash with another person it can be truly accidental. We all grew up in different family systems and had possibly different areas that were considered taboo and no go areas. Some of the areas that can differ around what is appropriate and what isn't are areas such as money, religion, politics and sex to name a few. 

In our relationships, especially newer ones there is a natural process of finding out where the parameters are. In times like these, we are better served to embrace an approach of being open and enquiring rather than judgemental and ridiculing. Fostering the ability to be able to be respectful and curious about how another person has arrived at the boundaries they have can really foster deeper closeness and intimacy.

Episode 115: Parenting Role With Adult Children

Reinventing an equal relationship with your children

As children grow, they move through different stages of development on the journey to adulthood. As their yearning for individuality emerges and especially as they reach late teens, early twenties the relationship with them begins to change. It can be very challenging and anxiety-provoking to the parent to step out of their directive role into a more adult to adult relationship.

What used to be a comfortable, familiar relationship is let go and new dynamics emerge for relating to your adult child as an equal. How, especially in moments of stress, can I deal with this person in the present rather than falling back into old relating dynamics and reactive, uninvited advice-giving?

It can be challenging to reinvent our relationship with our kids but if we can push through the discomfort, amazing things can be achieved!

Episode 114: Revisiting Boundary Dynamics

Setting effective & mature boundaries

Setting boundaries and parameters around what you consider ok treatment and what you don't consider ok treatment is vitally important. This is an area that, as adults, is constantly up for review and improvement.

How do I set boundaries that people are going to respect? What strategies do I employ when setting boundaries?

Are there times where I have set boundaries effectively? When have I been ineffective and what are the key differences?

This episode looks at some of the refined and nuanced aspects of setting frameworks of what is acceptable in people dynamics.

The episode is intended to help you set boundaries from a place of clarity, integrity and as an adult. 

Episode 113: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part II

Understanding emotional drivers & finding solutions together

There are key areas in which couples can find themselves in a struggle for control. Areas such as who gets to decide, leader/ follower dynamics in the relationship and what we do with our money.

Even the healthiest couples can get into power struggles in these areas and have to work through challenging conversations to work out what will work best for them going forward.  What can make these discussions even harder is being too emotionally overloaded.

Before having these discussions do I need to be clear on what is driving me here. Are my reactions and anger only driven by the present, or am I bringing in unresolved residue from past relationships?

How can I get clear on what my emotional drivers are so that we can have the best chance to reach a workable solution together. How can I help myself so as to help us?

Episode 112: Power Dynamics In Relationship Part I

How to work through power struggles

It is unavoidable that even in the healthiest of relationships there will be from time to time minor or significant power struggles. How we navigate these going forward can be the difference between staying together and breaking apart.

This episode looks at some of the key areas that couples tend to struggle for control over and what can be red flags that there are areas that may need updating. How do we navigate through our money, time and intimacy decisions as a couple, and how might we look to improve and/or safeguard these areas of relationships?

I hope this episode helps to provide some effective discussion points to engage in with your partner, so as to promote ongoing relationship vitality.

Episode 111: Fathers & Family Systems

Navigating modern fathering & creating strong bonds

Modern relationship and parenting paradigms are changing so rapidly. The old ways of the father role being only the provider no longer fits the requirements or the family's expectations.

This episode looks at a couple of focuses that can really help fathers navigate with more effectiveness in the modern family landscape. Children grow up so quick! How can we ensure as fathers and stepfathers that our relationships are strong, intimate and lasting? How do you make the most of the privilege of fathering?

Episode 110: Covid and Relationship Strain

Promoting relational health in stressful circumstances

We are going through exceptional times! External pressures can help to bring a couple together or pull a couple apart. How in times of increased anxiety and strain to we build our connection, love and support for one another. Minor differences can be amplified in periods of extended stress. This episode looks at a few things to be mindful of, and also what to do to promote relational health.

All the best in this challenging time and beyond!

Episode 109: Misconceptions Regarding Abuse Dynamics

Dispelling the myths around Abuse

Abuse dynamics are so painful and can fill us or those witnessing what is going on with fear, anger and confusion. This may be a challenging episode for some to hear and as always make sure you have adequate support for yourself if you feel you need it.

This is a complex area which I feel requires even more general public awareness and education.

The episode draws from a number of areas but I certainly wanted to mention Lundy Bancroft author of Why Does He Do That? and Should I Stay or Should I Go? in conjunction with Jac Patrissi, also Jess Hill author of See What You Made Me Do?

Through greater clarity and awareness the more we can generate effective solutions for couples and families going forward.

Episode 108: Recovery From Toxic Family Systems - Part II

How the inherited inner critic impacts recovery

Recovery from having grown up in a very challenging family system can mean that you need to take several avenues to healing. If we have wounding that affects our relationships as adults, our ability to feel safe and also the level of effectiveness in problem-solving, then there can appear to be a lot to do.

This episode looks again at dealing effectively with the inner critic and how it can impact recovery. The inner critic can affect our self-compassion, self-regard, and our ability to effectively self protect.

The more we are aware of how the inner critic continues the legacy of family disfunction and learn methods for challenging, quietening and integrating the more successful our recovery journey.

Episode 107: Recovery From Toxic Family Systems - Part I

Addressing areas of family wounding to achieve healthy adult relationships

Our early family experiences fundamentally influence the kind of relationship quality we have as adults. What did we experience growing up, and what types of strategies and coping methods did we take on to get through?

This episode looks at some of the areas of wounding that can need addressing in order to have better, more genuine and intimate adult relationships. One of the reference sources for this episode is the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker.

The recovery journey for some can be long and anything that can help add to our self-education so that we can reclaim ourselves is valuable. This is a vast topic, hence visiting with it in parts. I hope you find this helpful.