Episode 164: Feeling Engulfed By The Family System

Balancing the Individual self with the family unit

One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful.

However when we feel that closeness in the family is more like being swallowed up then we either run away in some form or perhaps resentfully comply. Enmeshed families can demand that closeness comes with conditions. Don't disturb how we do things here! Enmeshed families can demand that we all think the same, behave the same and don't call out any of the dysfunction you see. Guilt, shame and obligation become large aspects of how a family like this operates.

This episode looks at some of the things that we can do to really begin to be in our family system in more genuinely loving ways. How do I be more myself around those who love me and work towards increasing my own sense of self-approval?

Episode 151: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part II

Taking accountability for our contributions to relational stress

Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular what is my contribution to us? Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy.

We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not being tuned into how we are coming across. We can become critical and focused on point-scoring at the expense of the relationship’s overall health. We can focus on what our partner needs to do rather than on what I need to do.

In times of relational harmony, have we taken the time as a couple to agree to the guidelines of how specifically we will argue? Importantly if we have, then under pressure do we adhere to them or feel we are justified to break the rules we set up.

Can we step away if things are amplifying unproductively and just as importantly finish challenging discussions later rather than sweep them under the carpet?

Episode 150: Seeing Both Sides Of Relationship Patterns - Part I

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships

Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless.

We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship from that limited focus alone is likely to only (at best) temporarily relieve relational stress. Short term, emotionally reactive adjustments that are designed to get back to momentary relational calm can be actually building to long term relational strain and distance.

This episode looks at one of the automatic patterns utilised by couples to manage intimacy, closeness, anxiety and general family system pressure. If we can observe relating patterns and label them then we are at a choice point about what, if anything, we would like to do. Can I clearly see my part and your part in this dynamic from a calm position?

It takes two to engage in a relational pattern and often a host of supporting others. This episode pattern of relating is focused on over-functioning and under-functioning in relationship. I hope you find it helpful!

Episode 136: Family Roles & Family Anxiety

How family roles affect our personal & professional lives

Our family system has its own way of dealing with issues of intimacy and anxiety. One of the ways in which we find our place in our family system is to take on roles.

These roles have unhealthy and healthy expressions. They can serve to keep the family enmeshed and family anxiety suppressed.  The more challenged or dysfunctional the family, the more fixed the roles can get. Someone in the family may get cast as the troubled, messed up one whilst a sibling becomes the golden child. 

These roles, although they feel quite comfortable at times, can interfere with our ability to truly be ourselves around our family. In turn, what we learn in our family of origin we then can play out in our intimate adult relationships and professional lives.